BREAKING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

At the start of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will later become abusive. In fact, many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship. The warning signs of abuse don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Yet, every relationship is certainly different, and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. However, one feature shared by most abusive relationships is that the abusive partner tries to establish or gain power and control through many different methods at different moments.

Common Signs of Abusive Behavior:

Physical abuse does not always leave marks or cause permanent damage:

• Scratching, biting, grabbing or spitting.
• Shoving and pushing.
• Slapping and punching.
• Throwing objects to hurt or intimidate you.
• Destroying possessions or treasured objects.
• Hurting or threatening to hurt your children and/or pets.
• Disrupting your sleeping patterns to make you feel exhausted.
• Burning.
• Strangling.
• Attacking or threatening to attack with a weapon.
• Any threats or actual attempts to kill you.

Emotional/psychological abuse is a behavior your partner uses to control you or damage your emotional well-being. It can be verbal or non-verbal:

• Name-calling, mocking, intimidation and making humiliating remarks or gestures.
• Yelling in your face or standing is a menacing way.
• Manipulating your children.
• Telling you what to do or where you can and cannot go.
• Placing little value on what you say and or do.
• Interrupting, changing topics, not listening or responding, and twisting your words.
• Putting you down in front of other people.
• Saying negative things about your friends and family.
• Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives
• Cheating or being overly jealous.
• Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior by blaming others or saying you caused it.
• Monitoring your phone calls, texts, car and computer use.

Economic/financial abuse happens when the abuser makes a victim entirely financially dependent on the abuser, with no power or say in the relationship:

• Forbidding the victim to work or attend school.
• Sabotaging employment opportunities by giving the victim a black eye or other visible injury prior to an important meeting.
• Jeopardizing employment by stalking or harassing the victim at the workplace.
• Denying access to a vehicle or damaging the vehicle so that the victim cannot get to work.
• Sabotaging educational opportunities by destroying class assignments.
• Withholding money or giving an allowance.
• Denying access to bank accounts.
• Hiding family assets.
• Running up debt in the victim’s name.

(centerforfamilyjustice.org)

Watching someone endure an abusive situation can be difficult under any circumstances, and it’s not always clear how best to respond when you see some of the warning sides indicated earlier. Your instinct may be to “save them” from the relationship, but abuse is never that simple. There are many ways that abuse appears and there are many reasons WHY PEOPLE STAY in abusive situations. As a friend of family member, we may not understand why they would stay but it's important we communicate that we are there for them. 

Understanding how power and control operate in the context of abuse and how to shift power back to those affected by domestic violence are some of the most important ways to support survivors in your life. 

 The experience of surviving relationship abuse is traumatic, and people in any stage of an abusive relationship should be able to depend on others for support as they process complex emotions and navigate next steps.

You can provide essential emotional support by:

• Acknowledging that their situation is difficult, scary, and brave of them to regain control from.
• Not judging their decisions and refusing to criticize them or guilt them over a choice they make.
• Remembering that you cannot “rescue them,” and that decisions about their lives are up to them to make.
• Not speaking poorly of the abusive partner.
• Helping them create a safety plan or plan of escape
• Continuing to be supportive of them if they do end the relationship and are understandably lonely, upset, or return to their abusive partner. Oftentimes they go back to what's familiar to them, even if it's not safe or healthy to do so.
• Offering to go with them to any service provider or legal setting for moral support.

(thehotline.org)